(AND MORE!)
05/24/19
Copyright
1986-2014
J. Alan Wesley -
All Rights Reserved
FAVORITE QUOTES ARCHIVE "Thomas! There's a time and a place for everything..." "Yeah Diamond, and it's called college!" --Overheard at TETRARCH rehearsal 
"Then along came YouTube, a worldwide multiplex that allows thousands of adolescents (and grown men) to post footage of joyriding, street fighting and other activities that are not just illegal, but clearly identify the wrongdoer." --Ed West (in The Daily Telegraph July 11, 2007)
"More American than anything else, though, was the fact that this pilot raced through an entire 100 minutes of intrigue, violence and thrills without making any sense whatsoever." --Gerard O'Donovan (in The Daily Telegraph July 11, 2007) RE: The Premier Of "Cape Wrath" On British TV
"The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three." --e-mail entitled "Fundamental Truths About Golf"
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." --Lou Holtz / Arkansas Football Coach
"Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?" "Um, if by "read" you mean imagined a naked lady, then, yes." --Brian and Peter in 'A Fish Out of Water' (FAMILY GUY Series)
"The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'." --From an e-mail entitled: 'An Old Farmer's Advice'
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." --Eric Hoffer (1902-1983)
"Sometimes you just can't find a guitar cord angry enough to express how you feel, so you have to pull out a giraffe filled with whipped cream." --Frank Zappa (1940-1993)
"Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations." --Faith Baldwin
"Carla, you're forgetting like, the basic principle of advertising-lying!." --Norm Peterson (Cheers)
"The government prints up a new batch of money and sends it to you without you even asking for it. Is this a great country or what?" --from "The Vent" in the AJC February 13, 2008
"I don't experience basic human emotions. It's not my thing." --Albert Brooks (actor/director)
"Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing." --Oscar Wilde
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." --William James
"The world has achieved brillance without conscience. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants." --General Omar Bradley (1893-1981)
"Women are hard to figure out. They love lingerie and they love garage sales, but they don't seem to like getting garage sale lingerie as a gift." --from The Vent (AJC April 21, 2008)
"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." --Paul Erdos (1913-1996){collected by Dr. Gabriel Robins}
"When you dig another out of their troubles, you find a place to bury your own." --Author Unknown (from http://www.quoteworld.org)
"My best feature is unfortunately a private matter, although I'm told it's spectacular. But you can't really walk it down the red carpet." --Actress Kate Beckinsale
"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do." --Dylan Thomas
"A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a a shame because if they had waited until happy hour, they could have paid half that." --Conan O'Brien
"I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair." --Bette Davis (Cabin in the Cotton, 1932)
"If you decide to shave because you're going to Alabama...you might be a redneck!" --Alan Wesley
"I don't feel it's healthy to keep your faults bottled up inside me." --Bucky The Cat (from the 'Get Fuzzy' cartoon series)
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." --Ronald Reagan
"Martyrdom is the only way a man can become famous without ability." --George Bernard Shaw
"This 3-year-old kid is home alone, and a salesman comes to the door. The kid answers with a porno in one hand-along with a cigar and a bottle of J.D.in the other hand. The salesman goes, 'Hi, little boy, are your parents home?' The kid goes, 'What the f**k do you think?'" --Avril Lavigne
"You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else." --Winston Churchill
"What luck! For the 45th year, the first Christmas card I picked out of the rack was suitable for my wife." --from The Vent (AJC December 17, 2008)
"That money talks I'll not deny, I heard it once: It said, 'Goodbye.'" --Richard Armour
"Dick Cheney and I do not want this nation to be in a recession. We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work." --George W. Bush, 60 minutes II, CBS, December 5, 2000
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." --Jack E. Leonard
"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is." --Yogi Berra
"Aw Peg, I'm so hungry, I could eat a vegetable!" --Al Bundy (From a 'Married With Children' rerun)
"You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap." --Dolly Parton
"I like cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food." --at the bottom of a recent e-mail
"I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up." --Dean Martin
"The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim." --Edsgar Dijkstra
"If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." --Albert Einstein
"Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?" Charley Weaver: "His feet." ------------------- "In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?" Vincent Price: "No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..." -- from the old "Hollywood Squares" game show (as reported by a recent e-mail)
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday." --Don Marquis"
"I love my cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little, they become its visible soul." --Jean Cocteau (French poet & filmmaker)
"May the Baby Jesus Shut Your Mouth and Open Your Mind." --Capt. Beefheart on the bumper sticker that came with the 33 1/3 LP "Safe As Milk"
"Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better." --Unknown
"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." --Robert McCloskey
"He that would live in peace and at ease must not speak all he knows or all he sees." --Benjamin Franklin
"If you're not getting older, you're dead." --Tom Petty
"Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet." --from a recent e-mail entitled 'Universal Laws' (thanks Terry!)
"Come over here son and let Daddy choke you until you feel better." --Al Bundy to Bud Bundy (from a 'Married With Children' rerun)
"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture." --Elvis Costello
"The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools." --Herbert Spencer (1891)
"We're getting paid by the hour, and older by the minute." --Alan Jackson
"Be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: the part about murder." ------------- "An ounce of appearance is worth a pound of substance." --From "40 Unwritten Rules To Live By" By Mark Bricklin
"Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner." --James Bovard (1994)
"I can honestly say, all the bad things that ever happened to me were directly, directly attributed to drugs and alcohol. I mean, I would never urinate at the Alamo at nine o'clock in the morning dressed in a woman's evening dress sober." --Ozzy Osbourne (Maxim Magazine March, 2011)
BANDSTAND: the area furthest away from an electrical outlet... BROADWAY PIT JOB: a prison sentence disguised as a gig... NEW AGE : a musical substitute for Valium... PERCUSSIONIST: a drummer who can't swing. STEADY ENGAGEMENT: look it up in Webster's Dictionary under the word ''obsolete''... WURLITZER: the Ford Pinto of pianos... YANNI: a man blessed with great hair for music..." --From an Email entitled "A Musician's Dictionary" -Thanks Danny Miller!
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." --Wayne Gretzky
"No trees were killed to send this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced." --at the bottom of a recent email (Thanks Bobby!)
"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand." --Confucius
"The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine." --Abraham Lincoln {From a recent email. Thanks Danny!}
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism." --From The AJC VENT 12-27-2011
"Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel." --John Quinton {From A Recent Email. Thanks Bill Loo!}
"I'll accept corporations as people when Texas executes one." --From The AJC VENT 3-4-2012
"If you think an employer should have a say in what medications your doctor prescribes because he provides your insurance, then you must think your employer can tell you where to go on vacation because he provides paid time off." --From The AJC VENT 3-12-2012
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." --Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)
"The enemy of conventional wisdom is not ideas but the march of events." --John Kenneth Galbraith (as quoted in 'Radio Memories' by Jim Wesley- Thank you Dad!)
"If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: President Can't Swim." --President Lyndon B. Johnson (as quoted in 'Radio Memories' by Jim Wesley- Thank you Dad!)
"Gratitude for what we have can displace worry about what we may lack." --Thought For The Day from The Upper Room Magazine Sunday, September 23, 2012
"ASK ME ABOUT MY VOW OF SILENCE" --On Pindar's T-shirt In An Episode of Franklin & Bash
"Life is a series of dogs." --George Carlin
"Photoshop is mightier than the sword." --Alan Wesley
"OBS IN LANE #1 AT 84 MPH PASSING ALL TRAFFIC" --From Alan's First Speeding Ticket c. 1973
"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." --Miles Kington
"Mind Your Own Business And You'll Never Be Out Of Business." --A Caller To The Hermain Cain WSB Radio Show December, 2013
"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." --Dalai Lama
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose." --Dr. Seuss
"I'm fairly sure that, if they took porn off the Internet, there'd only be one website left-and it would be called 'bringbacktheporn.com'..." --Dr. Cox from the sit-com 'Scrubs'
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else." --Margaret Mead
"Everything I say is substantiated by my own opinion." --Found at the bottom of a recent email. Thanks Adam!
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." --Arthur C. Clarke
(Unknown comedian upon being asked what it was like to return to Stand-up Comedy after a long absence) "It's like pushing a bicycle...up a hill...with your eye!" --part of a radio interview
The word is very near to you; it is in your mouth and in your heart for you to observe. --Deuteronomy 30:14 (NRSV)
"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works, if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you!" --Jay Leno
"When you're single, you're exactly as happy as you are. When you're married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the relationship." --opening meme for the sitcom 'Rules Of Engagement'
FROM A TANNING SALON BROCHURE: Q: Will I spray tan evenly if I have hair on my legs, arms? A: Hair is not a problem as long as it is thin enough to let the solution reach your skin. The solution will not color your hair and it washes right out. If you have hair on your back, a spray tan will not help you.
A saint was asked, "What is anger?" He gave a beautiful answer, "It is a punishment that we give ourself, for someone else's mistake." --Unknown
"Art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time." -Jen-Michel Basquiat 
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